Twenty things I've
Learned in Twenty Years of Marriage
For Aubrey, Katelyn and Megan
Love Mom (August 14,
2016)
1. Be
appreciative. Look for and share the things you appreciate about your
spouse. "To appreciate — to say 'I love you' and 'thank you' — is
not difficult. But these expressions of love and appreciation do more than
acknowledge a kind thought or deed. They are signs of sweet civility. As
grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments
to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described
in those compliments." -Elder Russell M. Nelson
2. If it's late at
night and there is frustration or contention, it is OK (usually even better) to
go to bed upset. Be committed that you will work it out in the morning
because believe me, it will all look better in the morning. We can all
deal with things better with some sleep to help us think straight. On
that same note never give your spouse the silent treatment. It's ok to
take a few minutes to think before you speak or cool down, but always be
willing to work things out. “We should remember that saying, 'I love you'
is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most
importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and
demonstrate love.” -Elder David A. Bednar
3. Love him and
serve him in the way that is best for him, not most convenient for you.
Know HIS needs. They are different than yours. Men need to feel
valued, needed, adored, attractive, and capable. Do your part to make him
feel this way. Know his love language and work at every day doing
something to make him feel loved. Look for opportunities to serve
him. “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of
romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s
companion.” -President Gordon B. Hinckley
4. Get up every
day and get ready. Do your hair and make-up and put on some real clothes
(not exercise pants). You will feel better about yourself, which will
translate to many positive things for you personally including being productive
and ready to be on the Lord's errand when He needs you. But in addition, it's
important each day to look and do your best for your husband. This may
seem like a "no brainer" as a newlywed, but when your babies come and
you're tired, at home changing diapers and nursing, and Target may be your only
out for the day... you will see how this stretches you and pushes you.
You want to be proud of how your husband looks and he wants to be attracted to
and proud of the way you look.
5. Make your
husband your number two priority, behind God, but before your children.
This will bless everyone. "Both men and women need righteous desires
that will lead them to eternal life. Let us remember that desires dictate our
priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions.”
-Elder Dallin H. Oaks
6. Be
patient. The kind of marriage you both want, takes time and takes
including Heavenly Father. "It is only with the companionship of the
Holy Ghost that we can hope to be equally yoked in a marriage free from
discord. I have seen how that companionship is crucial for felicity in a
marriage. The miracle of becoming one requires the help of heaven, and it takes
time. Our goal is to live together forever in the presence of Heavenly Father
and our Savior." -President Henry B. Eyring
7. "Goad him
to righteousness". This is advice, Dad's Grandpa Backman, an
emeritus General Authority, gave us when he sealed us. Goad means
provoke, inspire, motivate, urge and encourage.
It is your job to do a little "elbowing", a little
"pulling" and maybe even a little "pushing". We need
to help each other become better. It is our honor to be teammates and
working together to return to our Heavenly Father.
8. Our secret
weapon...couple council. Sunday nights after the kids have gone to bed, your
Dad and I have our "couple council". We have an set agenda
where we talk about the calendar and discuss our plans for the week, our goals
for the month and year. We talk about our priorities regarding our
personal relationship with Heavenly Father, each other and each of our
children. We talk about our extended family relationship needs and also
how we can better support each other in our church callings and with work and
home responsibilities. In the last few years we have added three
questions about last week- What is something I did to make you feel loved this
week? How did I do at showing my appreciation for you? Did you see any
answered prayers this past week? Three questions about next week - What
does the coming week look like for you? What's the best thing I can do to
let you know that you are my priority and joy? How can I pray for you in
the coming week?
9. Date weekly and go out of town together once
a year. Find hobbies and interests that you both enjoy together. Getting out of town doesn't have to be far
from home. It can be the town next door
or across the world, but just go. If
it's important to you then you'll make it happen. Make getting alone time a high priority and I
promise it will bless your marriage ten fold.
Don't go into debt for this, but do save and enjoy every moment! I believe a happy marriage makes a happy
family and for us that has meant getting away from the house, job and kids
together.
10. Get on the same page. Of course you don't have to think the same opinion
about all issues, but for the most
important ones find a place you can both agree about faith, finances and
raising your family. What has helped us
is a simple number system. First, you determine
where you're at on an issue. Sometimes
I'm a ten and your Dad is a five (most often this is the case), but sometimes I
am a two on something and am happy to go with what Tyler feels strongly
about. However in all cases remember to
follow your husband as he leads your family in righteousness. That is HIS charge and HIS stewardship.
11. Be
quick to apologize. Your Dad is good at
this. Be humble and look for
opportunities to do so. Elder L Whitney Clayton said, "Humility is
selfless, not selfish. It doesn’t demand its own way or speak with moral
superiority. Instead, humility answers softly and listens kindly for
understanding, not vindication. Humility recognizes that no one can change
someone else, but with faith, effort, and the help of God, we can
undergo our own mighty change of heart. Experiencing the mighty
change of heart causes us to treat others, especially our spouses, with
meekness. Humility means that both husbands and wives seek to bless, help, and
lift each other, putting the other first in every decision."
12. Become the person God intends for you to
become. On your own. I am not at all suggesting forgetting your
husband in the meantime. I am suggesting
be the kind of person you would want to be married too. Be inspiring to him. Bring your family to a new level
spiritually. Be fun, spontaneous, happy
and BE who you should BE. Pursue some
interests you have, learn some new skills and expect the same of your
spouse. Have a growth mindset in all areas of your
life and relationship.
13. Don't compare your husband with your
neighbor's, friend's, or ward member's.
It's a dangerous road to go down and one better not traveled at
all. All husbands do annoying things
that most people don't see, but it's best to not compare one person's strengths
to another's weaknesses. Say no to
competition.
14. Never, and I mean never, mention, threaten,
or entertain divorce. (Of course I'm
talking about healthy, non abusive relationships here). Satan would love a family to end, in fact he
is succeeding in his efforts way too often.
Marriage is work so pull up your boot straps and get er' done! Do your part and I promise it will make a
difference. Be in control of what you
can and give the Lord the rest. When
things are hard (and believe me there will be tough times), be kind, be patient
and choose happiness.
15. Keep your eyes half closed to his weaknesses
and wide open to see his strengths.
Praise them privately and praise them publicly. One particular year when
I wasn't happy with the meaningfulness of Tyler's Christmas gifts I determined
that next Christmas he would get something heartfelt. That year for 365 days I wrote down something
that I loved and appreciated. I wrote
down the little things about how he still makes the bed almost every single day
and the bigger things about how much I love watching him connect with our
teenagers about important issues. It was
amazing. I was on the hunt. I somehow didn't see or wasn't bothered by
the rest. I saw the good and was
literally "taking note".
16. I don't love the word "never", but
here's one more never. Never speak ill
of your husband. I know Tyler's
struggles and weaknesses more than anyone else (and believe me he knows mine),
but you will never hear me talk to anyone about them. Protect your marriage and spouse at all
costs. Be sure he knows that his name
(and his challenges, your struggles and your intimacy) are always safe with
you.
17. Look around at the amazing examples around
you. Look at the couples with their arms
around each other in church. Take note
of the way people look at each other and respond with kindness. Listen to the way husbands talk about their
wives and wives talk about their husbands.
Choose the best examples of loving couples and talk to them. Ask them what they love about their marriage
and how they make it awesome. Follow
their example.
18. Be extraordinary. Ordinary women get in a rut. They live day to day with unrealistic expectations. They remember yesterday's mistakes and focus
on the negative. Extraordinary women
every day take a deep breath and new look at their man. They remember Heavenly Father loves him. They remember that he has gifts and talents
that bless our family. They remember it
takes two to make our marriage amazing. They
remember that every day he sacrifices to provide for their family. They praise his efforts and
accomplishments. They think about a way
to better love and serve him that day.
They allow him to put his feet up. They provide opportunities for him to
be spiritually fed. They love him the
way he wants and needs to be loved. They
are confident in their decision that their family and marriage is their highest
priority. Julie B. Beck's comments about
mothers are true for wives too when she says, " Mothers who know do less.
They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less
media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children
away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume
less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more
time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together,
more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose
carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising
generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire
world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders
of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is
power." And I would add that is extraordinary.
19. Understand communication with a man is
different. This one took me a while to
get. I admit I'm the world's worst mind
reader and I actually am pretty good at dreaming up what he could be meaning or
thinking. John Bytheway says that "There are three
things that men want to know when engaging in a conversation with a woman. One, is it going to be painful? Two, how long
is this going to take? And three, What do you want from me when this
conversation is over?” After reading a
book by author Deborah Tannen called “You Just Don’t Understand,” Bytheway said
he had an epiphany. “Men talk for
information, women talk for interaction,” Bytheway said. “This all makes so
much sense to me. Women bond through conversation, while be men bond through
activity. This is important to understand about each other.”
20. L.
Whitney Clayton said it so beautifully, "Marriage is a gift from
God to us; the quality of our marriages is a gift from us to Him." As you are most
importantly trying to please God in your daily life you will do this by loving
his son, your husband, the best way you can. It isn't easy to be married,
but your efforts will be worth it. Read your husband's patriarchal
blessing to read and see him the way God sees him. And most importantly follow
the Spirit in daily working at the kind of marriage our Heavenly Father intends
for you. Heavenly Father is on your side.
He loves you both and wants your marriage to be amazing. Keep an eternal perspective. I love the way L. Burton Howard describes
this, " If you want something
to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it.
You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it
common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until
it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it
grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just
like that. We need to treat it just that way." Remember "It's all in God's hands. That's where it's always been." Give the gift of a beautiful marriage to
God.
