A different ballet experience

So you read my ballet experience from last week, now here is my father in law's experience from a few years ago.  It was published in his employer's monthly magazine.  I love it!

              A Night at the Ballet

By Kerry Price

We went to the ballet last night. I can’t believe I just admitted that. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. Here is what happened…

My boss offered me some tickets the other day. I thought they were for the final Jazz game. Then he said they were for a ballet performance called “Jubilation”. I started laughing. I said I would rather go to the dentist (sorry, Brandon – my son who is a dentist). I said that I hate the ballet. Then he mentioned that he is on the Board of Directors for Ballet West (big pause)………….Kind of reminded me of the guy who went to dinner with his prospective new boss. The topic of Green Bay, Wisconsin came up, and the guy said, “The only things that come from Green Bay are football players and prostitutes.” The boss said, “Well, my wife is from Green Bay.” To which the guy replied, “And what position did she play?” Unfortunately, my witty comeback was “Oh.” So to brighten my wife Bonnie’s night, I accepted the tickets. Boy was I looking forward to that night!

When we got to our seats in the Capital Theatre, I noticed that the stage floor was green, and had lines going across from left to right about 10 feet apart. I was hoping that the theme was about football, but no such luck. The orchestra started playing, but it sounded awful. Everyone was just playing whatever notes they wanted to. Finally, after about 10 minutes, they all ended on the same note. Then everyone in the audience (except me) applauded. Nobody had done anything special, in fact, there was no one to be seen on stage. I still don’t understand what that was about. Finally, the curtain went up and several women and one guy came out for something called “Concerto Barocco” with music by Bach. It reminded me at first of a marching band without the instruments and uniforms going thru their marching routine, except they were doing it on their tippy toes. Then I decided it was more like high school PE class where you would line up and do calisthenics, but the ballet added the tippy toe part and having your hands come together on the jumping jacks. After they finished, they came out for a curtain call, and everyone applauded. The curtain went down, then back up, and they came out again. That happened three times! It reminded me of the old adult Sunday School song practice, where if not enough people sang or you didn’t get it right, you had to do it over again. After the curtain finally went down, I turned to Bonnie and asked if it was halftime. She rolled her eyes but didn’t respond. It turned out to be just the end of the first quarter.

            The next quarter involved five guys and a girl in something called “Lark Ascending”. I think the girl was the lark. The guys appeared to only be wearing a tight loin cloth. I was highly embarrassed. The music reminded me of something from a big Western movie, maybe one with John Wayne. But you wouldn’t have caught the Duke onstage with those guys, that’s for sure.

            After halftime, the third quarter started with a guy and a girl jumping all over, both individually and sometimes together. At least they were in costumes. Occasionally the audience would applaud, but I still couldn’t figure out why. Thank goodness this one was short. The music was from Tchaikovsky, since this part was originally part of Swan Lake. After the quarter ended, they took another long break, and the orchestra members started doing their own thing again for 10 minutes.

            Finally, the fourth quarter started with the stage set as a clearing in a forest for “The Rite of Spring”. A bunch of guys came out (yes, still in the loin clothes), to the heavy beat of drums from something by Stravinsky. Finally, some girls came out and they mostly would jump around in lines. It was fine when the girls would jump into the arms of the guys, but when the guys jumped into each other’s arms, that was a bit too much. Just when I thought it had reached the end, it would start all over. This went on for about 50 minutes. I fell asleep -- several times. Mercifully, it finally ended. But then they did that curtain call again, FOUR times! Each time someone new would show up on stage. People in the audience were yelling things. I couldn’t tell if they were obscenities. Heck, even I wasn’t that mad. Bonnie said she didn’t like the last quarter (but I don’t think she said quarter). The whole time I kept looking for popcorn and drink vendors, but there weren’t any. Big disappointment. Nobody ever tried to get the “Wave” going either. They would just applaud forever.

            Anyway, the night was finally over. Now I know what the Bible means by “enduring to the end.” Good thing the tickets were free. I can’t image paying $60 to watch that. Bonnie said she wants me to ask my new boss for tickets to go see Cinderella next February. I hope I get the flu in time.

P.S. When my wife read this review, she rolled her eyes and muttered something like “hmmph”, but that was it. I think she liked it.

P.P.S. My boss never did offer me tickets to Cinderella the next February, but I ended up with the flu anyway.